I Thought I Was Saved, but I Wasn't

Greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

There is something I must explain to you about my youth and salvation testimony - "I thought I was saved, but I wasn't". I'd like to explain this in more detail.

I grew up in a church-going household, and my dear parents love me, and loved me then, and my other 2 sisters. I am not sure of the age that this happened (maybe 12 or 13), but I remember in our church that there may have been something where the youth were given opportunity to give their lives to the Lord, through repentance and prayer, and faith in Jesus; since I heard about God and Jesus in Sunday School when I was very young and believed in God and Jesus, but that is different from confessing my sins, repenting and trusting - putting my 100% faith in Jesus and OBEYING Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

So, we all stood up and said the 'sinners' prayer'. (But later on, I think I was 17 then, a member of my family insisted I was saved back then because I said that prayer, but I told them I could not even remember the prayer, I WASN'T ANY DIFFERENT AFTER THAT and that I didn't think I was saved at that point - just as Jesus said in the Parable of the Sower, the seed by the wayside - Luke 8:5; 8:11,12.)

[Jesus said,] A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell by the wayside; and it was trampled down, and the birds of the air devoured it. Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. Those by the wayside are the ones who hear; then the devil comes and takes away the word out of their hearts, lest they should believe and be saved (Luke 8:5; 8:11,12).

So when I was 14, I committed fornication, which is sexual immorality - and I lied to my parents. Therefore, I broke many commandments. I was convicted of these sins. One day I was so sorrowful, full of true godly sorrow - "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death," 2 Cor. 7:10) - I CRIED OUT TO THE LORD, TO FORGIVE ME, AND I CONFESSED MY SINS TO THE LORD - ("If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness," 1 John 1:9). I was just crying alone in my room for a long time. (This was when I was sorrowful at 14), and my face, hair, nose, and eyes of course were so very wet, swollen and red from crying so much.

A Wind Come Over Me

This is the part that I hope you will believe - because it is incredible, unbelievable, but it happened: there was A WIND COME OVER ME that I cannot explain because it was in just an instant. My face, hair, nose, eyes became dry and my face was not red or swollen. It was like I had never cried - ("And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, Weep not," Luke 7:13). I got a complete feeling of peace come over me that I knew everything would be ok - and I WAS FULL OF JOY! ("Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new," 2 Cor. 5:17.)

After that, I did bear good fruit, I was going to youth group a lot, and I probably did not read my Bible like I should, but I did occasionally. And I did get picked on in school at this time after being saved - ("...yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles," Matthew 13:21) - as I did dress just plain and modest, and I was rather quiet - ("...in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing," 1 Tim. 2:9).

During high school, my parents wanted very much for me to excel in school and sports above anything else. So I really tried to please them, studied very hard, and tried to play basketball (which I was not very good at). At school, I did my best, and I did get good grades, but I had to study long hours - it did not come naturally to me. So most of my time was taken up with school and sports - ("...and the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful," Mark 4:19).

I Fell Back into a Life of Sin

In high school, I got very self-centered and didn't have time for anyone, especially God. I STARTED DRESSING IMMODESTLY, AND I FELL BACK INTO A LIFE OF SIN - lying to my parents, fornication, and self-centeredness. (I wasn't self-centered at 14 after I was saved.) I was living in these sins and not confessing and repenting of them (turning from them) - ("Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God," 1 Cor. 6:9,10). I FELL INTO LISTENING TO RAP MUSIC, which is just terrible - Satanic music. I am very ashamed to talk about these things I did.

When my first and only husband and I met, my parents didn't want us to be together. So, when I turned 18, I left home and went to live with him. At that time he lived in a mobile home. I again disobeyed my parents - ("Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with promise: 'that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth' " Eph. 6:1-3) - and was living in sin by fornication, since he and I were not married - ("For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor," 1 Thess. 4:3-4). This led to a very hurtful time for my parents, as I hurt them because I promised them I would at least finish high school, but when I moved in with him, I quit school. My parents had planned for me to go to college. So, there are many things that I am truly ashamed of - and MOST OF ALL THAT I SINNED AGAINST GOD.

He and I did get married in 2008. There were still problems with my family due to me leaving and such. They forgave me, and I forgave them - ("For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses," Mat. 6:14-15) - and they were disappointed with he and I for a good while. I was very grateful to be married, but I still didn't ask for forgiveness or confess these sins to God or repent of these sins because I thought I was ok to continue in them and remain saved - ("For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life, Gal. 6:8).

I Realized I Had Been Living in Sin

There was a lot of hurt for a long time, due to all of these. My husband got a terrible pain syndrome in 2019, and then shortly thereafter, is when I realized I had been living in sin, had not confessed or repented of those sins, and that I was not saved.

I WAS TRULY CONVERTED WHEN I WAS 14 AND THEN FELL AWAY DURING TIMES OF TESTING. How else can you explain what happened to me? I believe that after he was sick with that terrible pain, and I repented again, and started obeying again, I returned to the Father, LIKE THE PRODIGAL SON did. I was lost but was found, I was dead, but became alive AGAIN - ("...for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found." Luke 15:32). I cannot believe I was "falsely converted" or OSAS (Once Saved Always Saved) because I have already had proof of a saving faith in my life, and I believed ("obeyed for a while", Luke 8:13) when I was 14, and then I turned back to unrepentant sin for a while until he got in that pain.

I Knew God Wanted Me to Witness to Others

Immediately when I knew I was saved again, I realized I had not served God all those years - ("You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind'") - and that I had served my sinful nature. I KNEW GOD WANTED ME TO WITNESS TO OTHERS - ("And He said unto them, 'Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation' "Mark 16:15) - for their salvation, and tell others my testimony, which has been the most difficult part of it, because it is very shameful what I did after being saved and having a true saving faith. To deny this, I would be denying God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and what He did when I truly repented and trusted in Jesus and obeyed Him for a time. And how could I live in those sins for years, without repenting, and still be saved? I could not have! I was sexually immoral all those years in several ways, not confessing or repenting of those sins I was living in. I CANNOT SAY I WAS NEVER SAVED. There is no way I can do that, because I would be denying what God and the Precious Lord Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit did for me (and the whole world) on the cross and the day I was initially saved when I was 14.

"But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed." 2 Peter 2:24

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

I DID THINK I WAS A GOOD PERSON DURING THOSE YEARS OF MY FALLING AWAY (regardless of the sin I knew I was living in, but THOUGHT IT WAS OK TO DO SO). So that explains to me, how one can fall away, and still think he is saved. I, myself, was blinded by sin, and my sinful nature - ("having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the blindness of their heart; who being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness," Eph. 4: 18-19). Even without the teachings of OSAS, one can fall away through sins. I didn't know the teachings of OSAS, but I held onto this - that I could live for the sinful nature and remain saved. This is what can happen when one is not taught about conditional salvation or if one is taught "a license to sin," and not rebuked, out of love, by Scripture and by others (church discipline - "But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone who is named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolator, or a drunkard, or an extortioner - not even eat with such a person" 1 Cor. 5:11) - for sinful living and sinning without confessing our sins to the Lord and repenting of those sins (turning from them).

I don't want to lead anyone else down that dark road of destruction that I endured for so many years. I know that is why the Holy Spirit, after I came back to Him, led me to search for the truth in the Scriptures for others that have experienced this - being saved, falling away due to sin or false doctrine, and then being saved AGAIN. I have found many examples in Scripture that show this also happened to others.

I have learned a lot from reading the Bible, meditating on Scripture, praying for godly wisdom and godly knowledge. When we met Dan and we acquired a copy of Dan Corner's book - "The Believer's Conditional Security" - I learned even more about all of the examples in Scripture about those who were saved and fell away and it has helped me to tell others how to get out of the devil's snare of OSAS (eternal security).

May the Lord guide you,
Sara

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